A Better Version of Me - In Pursuit of the Ideal

"If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” 

                                                                                                                                                                  Rumi

 Critique and growth is a good thing. Got it. But my question to the great guru, if he were alive to answer it, would be, how do you accept your current - perhaps a bit smoggy- mirror as you work towards attaining a polished one? 

I'd like to think I am a better person today than I was a couple of years ago. More wiser, more open to the world and the ideas of the people in it. Well, here's hoping! There's a quite voice within me that drives me to new endeavours to say nothing of the inspiring books, programmes and life coaches on TV who tell me that improvement is key. That there is ALWAYS room for it. I do agree with this sentiment until recently when I realised that this constant need to become a better person sometimes shifts the spotlight on the person I'd like to be to such an extent, that I stop appreciating the person I already am. That amongst the list of things I to do, things to eat, to read, habits I need to pick up and vices I need to kick, I miss the only thing that is real in this whole scenario - Me. I lose the ability to look at and accept myself for who I am at the present moment, knowing that there are so many things that need to be done before I can be a version of myself that resembles my ideal. 

Tony Robbins - Keepin' it Real 

I don't remember always feeling this way so I don't think it's innate. Maybe it's conditioning, maybe it's the social environment, or just unrealistic expectations. Which is why kids are so amazing! I don't know if i'm romanticising childhood but to me, kids appear to bumble along not knowing how they could be better. Living for the day and all that. Yea, I can do that too. Living for the day is easy, accepting yourself at the end of it, is where the problem lies for me. How the best version of myself, is just there, on the horizon if I only just worked harder, procrastinated less, slept on time, woke up earlier, etc etc. I only started thinking this recently as I was drafting yet another exercise programme for myself. I've been working towards an 'ideal figure' for the past couple of years now. I fall off the bandwagon once semester starts, and suddenly exercise and diet really don't feature on my priority list.  There are others who do it, and do it well. And perhaps there is an element of laziness on my part. I get that, I  either need the ability to forgive myself for it or the motivation to make a change if it is bothering me all that much.   

Ultimately, striving towards a goal and getting better at this thing called life is a good thing. I just now know that I don't work well under pressure. That while expectations are a good thing, talking to yourself kindly as you work towards them is just as important. This reality check was sponsored by a daydream - as I was tying the laces on my trainers, thinking about all the weight I needed to lose, I asked how I could accept myself, as I was in that present moment, knowing that there was room for me to be a better person? It got me to thinking about the person I imagine to be in the future, AND how she almost looks nothing like me, and how scary that was! That my notion of the ideal wasn't even built around an image of me anymore. It really did bring me to the present moment, devoid of all the 'should be's, and all the contingencies. And it was reassuring in that moment, to realize that I was actually genuinely happy to be me. And that I needed to think this more often. I always thought I was quite aware of how far I'd come but really all I spent my time thinking about was how far I had to go. I also knew I needed to record this somewhere. Hence this post.

So essentially, there were no '10 steps to loving yourself' for me. It was just a moment of quiet clarity and self-reflection, empty of all the white noise and  thoughts of everything I thought I should be doing. I wish everyone similar realisations. For my part, I know that while improving and growth are a part of life, I need to check in with myself, not 'sometimes', but everyday to give some self-approval.   Sometimes all we really need to do is recognise the friend in the mirror.

This post has wandered off into the realm of 'life coaching'. So here's a song to keep it interesting :D