So after a long and much needed hiatus in New Zealand, Im back in Canberra. I went to University here for 3 years, but now that I'm back and looking for work, the city feels so different. I guess I'm looking at it with fresh eyes and outside the context of campus life. The move was disorientating at first. Almost as if growing up was no longer an option. But I've settled down some. Took my stuff out of storage, got a nice rental, have a routine centred around finding a job etc. But there's still a weird 'in transit' feeling. In a sort of new city, without close family and friends that actually work and have a purpose to their day, i can't I can't help but wonder, what is the point of me? Taken out of my familial home, without the usual household errands and chores, and out work, this period in my life has made it awful easy to examine this small existence of mine. What is the point of me? What void do I fill? Not to say that employment is everything but there is much to be said about feeling needed. About feeling like you have a purpose in life. That certain things can't be done without you. That you matter. That you are indispensable.
I was discussing this with a good friend of mine. She's been there too. She likened this stage to that on a video game. The one in which you're in flux until you collect the right amount of energy to jump up to a higher or another level. She got a job at a snazzy law firm straight out of college and she reckons she jumped too early.She thinks that she should've perhaps enjoyed the transit phase more. She has since left the law firm, but her story, has lent some perspective to mine. It hasn't really helped with my general feeling of listlessness but it's reassured me at some level that this 'in flux' stage serves some kind of purpose. That perhaps one day, I'll be burning with so much ambition, I'll wish for a simpler time. Or perhaps this quiet time will inform my later ambitions. I don't know. But it sounds like it's stock take time.
Happy 2013, baby! It would appear that I've fallen off the blogging bandwagon once again. With no reasonable excuse to explain it all away. Other than I felt like I had nothing to say or nothing worth recording anyway. Warning - the following might be a bit of a dampener with the probability of a silver lining developing on the horizon :)
A photo I took while driving away from a sunset. Because it's good to see what one is leaving behind ...
The long and short of it is that I've just pulled myself from the pits of what looked and felt an awful lot like depression - you know that lethargic feeling, the lack of motivation to do anything and all round being in the pits. I attribute this mainly to not having any solid plans post my graduation from Law school. As happy as graduation was, I think I would have been happier still if I had something solid in the horizon to work towards. But the end of 2012, a year that should have seen me race towards the finishing line, saw me barely being able to cross it. While I fared well in the exams (thank you, fairy godmother!), my brain felt rather dehydrated and really quite incapable of making any life choices by the end of the year. Going back home to New Zealand and a long stint on the couch, catching up with my summer reading and blogging on a weekly basis about happy things, seemed so ideal. But it all went square. Rather than feeling rejuvenated and rested, I was a ball of feverish energy, feeling restless and quite frankly rather disorientated. After having been a student for so long, I was probably suffering from some kind of identity crisis. Without highlighters and a textbook to color in, I barely knew myself. And then set in the procrastination. Cut to 3 months down the track with much agitation and weird behavior on my part, I finally got some blood tests done. Yea, apparently that's the secret. Turns out my stressful student life thus far has not done me any favors and a couple of things are out of whack. These things in turn took to affecting my mood and motivation levels to do...well, anything really. It's nothing that regular exercise, supplements and green leafy vegetables can't fix and it'll take about a couple of months, but I'll hopefully get there in the end. As scary as it was to be diagnosed with something, it was better still to have a gut instinct confirmed. To know what's wrong with me (on a physiological level at least) by name and to start addressing it. We tend to always know when something isn't right on the inside. Sometimes we get really good at ignoring it. And the not so good feeling starts feeling like it's normal. But after a good solid week of Yoga and Zumba classes, I feel like I'm working towards a new normal. A better and healthier one. While there are moments of intense panic about getting a job, and literally having dreams about being left behind in some kind of race , I know I am blessed to have a family that allows me to focus on my health. While the job search is never ending and on going, it feels good to be allowed to build a new routine one step at a time. The first priority being my health.
Pensive photo time. I call it 'Dandelions and summer dreams' :)
I can only enumerate the advantages of a quick check-up. Of checking in with yourself, with your doctor or your counselor. Of perhaps drawing up a list of things that you don't feel good about and going about changing them because only movement and action can ensure a new reality. I personally have come to realize that my health really is something I can't afford to compromise and ignore under the assumption that my body is young and capable of handling everything I ask of it. This realization might have something to do with a meeting I had with my optometrist. She wanted to know why I didn't wear my glasses more regularly and why I chose to wear it only during driving and watching TV. I didn't realize I thought this but I ended up blurting out "because I like my reality a bit blurry at times". She gave me a puzzled look, of-course not really understanding what I was talking about. The root of the matter is somewhat superficial. Basically, even though I have on the large part moved on from my bout of adult acne, I still have a problem looking at my skin with glasses on. While it has healed considerably, it still has the potential to deflate me on a good day. And I didn't really realize this but living with a blurry reality was a mindset I had started applying to other areas in my life too. If I couldn't see it, it would cease to exist. Funny how life doesn't exactly work that way. But it's better to have realized this than never at all. One more tip for this dance called life, right?
So here's to new, nuturing realizations :) Wishing everyone a healthy and happy 2013! Onwards and upwards in the pursuit of happiness.
A collation of my favorite Canberra shots.
*** The photos used on this blog have been taken by me and to see more of the same, feel free to look me up on Instagram - 'Neha09' ***
I was listening to this as I typed this post and can highly recommend it if a smile on your dial is what you need right now!
I was walking out of a cafe the other day, juggling my wallet and keys in one hand and my coffee and bagel in another. On the other side of the glass door, I spotted an adorable couple. Both seemed to be in their early 80's but going by the air they exuded, they could have well been in their 20's and taking a walk in Florence midst the fresh Spring flowers. In that moment when I spotted them, they were absolutely lost in each others company and smiling over something she said. What really melted by heart though was this - the old gentleman was holding her hand in one hand and her handbag in the other. "I want that," I thought. One day...I really do want that.
This isn't a photo of 'my couple'. But they sure are cute too! #Oldlove
Anyway, I shook myself out of my reverie long enough to put my things down on a nearby table and open the door for them. The gentleman thanked me and his wife looked up with twinkling eyes to do the same. He saw me pick up my stuff as I went to head out, paused and said, "Let me get the door for you, young lady. You did right by us and I'll do right by you," he said in a thick Australian drawl. "I'll do right by you". What an absolute great way of verbalizing an act of reciprocation!
That truly made my day. And got me to thinking about a whole lot things but mainly about acknowledging not just actions, but kind words and thoughts as well. The idea of doing right by each other not just for the sake of returning a favour, not because it's dignified but because in the scheme of things it really might be the silver lining in someone else's bad day. Of not being shy about thanking kind strangers or even the overworked snappy ones and reaching out regularly and letting loved ones know that you know that they are there and what they do for you, matters. Of not just being the recipients of good things but they initiators too. Be it an inspiring message for the downtrodden, a care package for someone who's sitting exams, or just a cup of coffee made exactly the way someone likes it. Unexpected treats and remembrances are the best!
More than words, and sometimes in the absence of them, affection is something that is all too clear in the things loved ones do for us. Coming from quite an expressive family I sometimes fail to read the silences but after a particular incident, it is something I am conscious of now. I had just finished telling my 'Yemeni Guru' a particularly 'whiney' story about a weekend I had spent with a highly strung aunt. We just functioned on such different levels and I constantly felt that I was disappointing and frustrating her. Because she isn't the type to verbalize her 'softer' emotions, I also felt that she didn't particularly like me. My friend listened to my complaints and calmly asked me to repeat the things my aunt had done for me, especially in my early Australian days. The list was quite long. "Is that not love? Everything she's done, is that not out of a place of where you are loved?". I could only answer in the positive. To this day and probably till the end of my days, I will be greatly indebted to my wise friend for showing me the error of my ways because I chose then to write a heartfelt email to my aunt, thanking her not just for the weekend but for everything she did for me. She was leaving for a holiday the next day and one she had to cut short because of health complications. She was diagnosed with breast cancer about a month after I sent that email. Two harrowing years later, she is on the path of recovery and is in remission. I can only wonder what our relationship would be like today had I not been able to see the love in her actions. Right now, we share a great relationship, one in which I know that regardless of how she comes across, she really is one of the kindest indviduals I have ever met.
The reward for simply getting out of our own humdrum for a while and just doing 'right' by each other is immense. Doing right by simply recognizing the effort others put in. Life truly is way too short to not to. If the conspiracy theorists have it right, the Mayan calendar ends in 2012 (:p) and the ones that you love should never know the painful doubt of wondering if you do.
That's me for today. Exam week is upon me but I wish everyone nothing but the best for the remainder of a pretty lil season called Spring.
Firstly, Happy Spring! With this new season, I have decided to shed unnecessary pressure and set realistic goals instead. Because I am currently short on time and lack an organised approach to writing and editing, I have decided to do something that comes more easily to me and that doesn't require much effort. I think I'm going to call it my 'Snapshots from Life' series. I don't know if I am going to be consistent yet but I do like the idea of recording one of two incidences from my daily life that have made a mark on my memory.
Coming up to graduation now, I am almost nostalgic and want to record my favourite memories from College that I might otherwise forget. The first one that I can think of dates back to my first year of Law School. It was also my first semester and after receiving a somewhat disappointing grade on my essay, I made an appointment to see my lecturer to get feedback and tips on improvement. He was and actually still is one of my favourite academics by virtue of how approachable he is. We had been conditioned to lecturers that would drone on from behind their lecterns, their faces pale against the white screen projecting neatly typed and formatted notes. But not him. He of the jovial manner, would almost flounce into class (almost always late) and go about talking about Contractual cases as if they were bedtime stories complete with flow charts. He asked questions and answered the ones we asked with good humour peppered with personal anecdotes about his work experience, life, kids etc. All with not one Powerpoint presentation in sight. He convinced us that an academic - world class in his case- could be a genius and still be down-to-earth. A rare occurrence in Law school. Someone from that Contracts class actually started a Fanpage on Facebook and I'm sure we were all on it by the end of week 2.
At any rate, I don't know what I expected his office to look like, and honestly speaking I was still pretty hung up on my essay to think of little else, but I have yet to come across another such personal space. As I walked in, I noticed a suitcase that was practically exploding on the chair by the door. He waved in the direction of the suitcase that looked more like Marry Poppins carpet bag because of the sheer amount of things it was holding, telling me he'd just gotten back from a conference in Singapore. He'd been back for a fortnight now but the suitcase was still there. Waiting to be taken home and imploding with ties and teabags (?) in the mean while. There were bookshelves that were used for anything but. I think I remember a pair of trainers just casually chilling out on the Pine shelf. I noticed what would become my favourite piece of his office hysteria as I went to sit down - the carpet surrounding this learned gentleman's table was literally covered in coins. As if it were a wishing well. A coin for each time he'd ask the universe to ensure he wouldn't forget something perhaps. I went to pick a couple to put back on his table. He told me not to bother as he usually picked them up when he went out for a coffee and couldn't find coins anywhere. The logic in our age of wallets eludes me so I'm sticking to my wishing-well story instead.
I'll be honest, I just wanted an excuse to post a photo of Dylan Moran here.
He ended up giving me some great feedback not just about my essay but also about how to deal with the pressure of Law School. Definitely one those lecturers that could define or change the attitude of his students not just towards a subject but life in general. My time slot was up before I knew it and just as I was closing the door behind me, I saw him blankly staring at his bookshelf almost expecting it to throw something at him as the coins on the carpet caught the fading rays of the setting sun and gleamed farewell. I couldn't help but smile as I closed the door on the absent minded professor.
"If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?”
Rumi
Critique and growth is a good thing. Got it. But my question to the great guru, if he were alive to answer it, would be, how do you accept your current - perhaps a bit smoggy- mirroras you work towards attaining a polished one?
I'd like to think I am a better person today than I was a couple of years ago. More wiser, more open to the world and the ideas of the people in it. Well, here's hoping! There's a quite voice within me that drives me to new endeavours to say nothing of the inspiring books, programmes and life coaches on TV who tell me that improvement is key. That there is ALWAYS room for it. I do agree with this sentiment until recently when I realised that this constant need to become a better person sometimes shifts the spotlight on the person I'd like to be to such an extent, that I stop appreciating the person I already am. That amongst the list of things I to do, things to eat, to read, habits I need to pick up and vices I need to kick, I miss the only thing that is real in this whole scenario - Me. I lose the ability to look at and accept myself for who I am at the present moment, knowing that there are so many things that need to be done before I can be a version of myself that resembles my ideal.
Tony Robbins - Keepin' it Real
I don't remember always feeling this way so I don't think it's innate. Maybe it's conditioning, maybe it's the social environment, or just unrealistic expectations. Which is why kids are so amazing! I don't know if i'm romanticising childhood but to me, kids appear to bumble along not knowing how they could be better. Living for the day and all that. Yea, I can do that too. Living for the day is easy, accepting yourself at the end of it, is where the problem lies for me. How the best version of myself, is just there, on the horizon if I only just worked harder, procrastinated less, slept on time, woke up earlier, etc etc. I only started thinking this recently as I was drafting yet another exercise programme for myself. I've been working towards an 'ideal figure' for the past couple of years now. I fall off the bandwagon once semester starts, and suddenly exercise and diet really don't feature on my priority list. There are others who do it, and do it well. And perhaps there is an element of laziness on my part. I get that, I either need the ability to forgive myself for it or the motivation to make a change if it is bothering me all that much.
Ultimately, striving towards a goal and getting better at this thing called life is a good thing. I just now know that I don't work well under pressure. That while expectations are a good thing, talking to yourself kindly as you work towards them is just as important. This reality check was sponsored by a daydream - as I was tying the laces on my trainers, thinking about all the weight I needed to lose, I asked how I could accept myself, as I was in that present moment, knowing that there was room for me to be a better person? It got me to thinking about the person I imagine to be in the future, AND how she almost looks nothing like me, and how scary that was! That my notion of the ideal wasn't even built around an image of me anymore. It really did bring me to the present moment, devoid of all the 'should be's, and all the contingencies. And it was reassuring in that moment, to realize that I was actually genuinely happy to be me. And that I needed to think this more often. I always thought I was quite aware of how far I'd come but really all I spent my time thinking about was how far I had to go. I also knew I needed to record this somewhere. Hence this post.
So essentially, there were no '10 steps to loving yourself' for me. It was just a moment of quiet clarity and self-reflection, empty of all the white noise and thoughts of everything I thought I should be doing. I wish everyone similar realisations. For my part, I know that while improving and growth are a part of life, I need to check in with myself, not 'sometimes', but everyday to give some self-approval. Sometimes all we really need to do is recognise the friend in the mirror.
This post has wandered off into the realm of 'life coaching'. So here's a song to keep it interesting :D
The latest landing on Mars is something that I'll remember for some time. It was one those moments that took me out of the daily humdrum and reminded me that there is quite literally a whole universe out there. It was an incentive to disengage from my own life for a while, look up to the heavens and recognise that I am a part of something bigger - that I'm part of both the universe and the collective that is constantly trying to decipher it. That while there is so much that is unknown, there is so much that is. That everyday, we're pushing the borders. That humanity as a race is exploring, that we are still curious, that while we are reaching new peaks everyday, we are still seeking enlightenment.
It's reassuring to know that while I'm blocking my diary with assignments and essays, there are engineers and scientists who are working on such projects. Thousands of individuals putting in so much effort to conquer yet another frontier. I personally can't thank them enough. Their work serves as a reminder that we've come so far. From once thinking that the earth was flat to rejecting the notion that it was the center of the universe. To discovering there is water on the moon. To landing on Mars a couple of times with the latest rover called 'Curiosity'. It's been quite a ride!
"I like to think of them out there in the dark, watching us. Sometimes we'll do something and they'll laugh. Sometimes we'll do something and they'll cry. And maybe, one day we'll do something so magnificent, the whole universe will get goosebumps."
(A favourite excerpt that examines humanity from an alien's perspective. From "The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe' by Jane Wagner)
Sometime close to the beginning of they year, I declared to my
parents that regardless of where life would find me in December, I’d visit a dear
friend in Kuwait. She is quite the soul sister and now that she's moved back, nothing seemed better than
seeing her in her part of the world. I also started reading up on an ancient mystic poet by the name of Rumi, and it suddenly became imperative that I visit this Sufi’s tomb. So Turkey was also added to the itinerary. It was the best thing I’d planned for
myself in a long while. Encouraged by my parent's input I started planning the trip, thinking up vague details in my head. Suddenly my summer plans started following me around like a rainbow that only I could see. Life was good.
Dreaming or the ability to do so = the best thing!
For some reason or
the other, things have come to be that this plan is no longer feasible. I only
had a month of thinking about it before I woke up to the stark reality of
logistics and the like. It was fun dreaming of doing this but I also knew that
I wanted to take this trip when I was financially able and capable of doing so
on my own. It would mean much more then. Perhaps I’d always known that this ambition wouldn’t
be all that feasible until I started working, but the vestiges of the
child in me dismissed anything that smacked of practicality and finance. But the rational
side of me inevitably took over. I
didn’t really notice when I stopped, but one day I stopped thinking about this
trip altogether. It happens.
But a couple of days ago, I was watching a movie set in Turkey,
and it hit me – I’d not only stopped thinking about this trip, I’d stopped
dreaming about it. I had stopped imagining the possibility of it. Is this what
grown ups call growing up? When we start viewing and limiting dreams through
the frames of practicality. Weighing everything up, deciding if something is
feasible before allowing ourselves to imagine it? A form of
self-preservation perhaps. The fall won’t hurt so much if we stop climbing
mid-way. But when did I start worrying about falling? When did just imagining something suddenly
become so scary? I suddenly started hankering for the days of yore, of happy childhood days. When dreams were untainted by ‘reality’. When they were as big, beautiful and
unpractical as the stars twinkling in the night sky.
Thinking about this has been good for me. I’ve made peace
with the part of myself that requires rationality for everyday decisions. But
I’m reclaiming my ability to dream unhindered and free from limitations.
Surely, they exist in two different realms for a reason. Imagine if the innovators,
the writers, the dreamers if you will, allowed their reality to limit their
dreams. Would they be able to imagine as well as they did in the framework of 'what was' as opposed to 'what could be'? Reality has its part, but it can do so
much for me. It can’t help me imagine the warm Konya sun on my back. Or the
experience of smoking a sheesha in a legit Turkish market, over loud bargains
and a hot mint tea. Yea, even if it is the globe trotter in me, I’ve started
dreaming again. Keeps things interesting.
